I really liked my dad.
Some of the things I loved most about him was that he was always up for making a joke. He almost always smiled at you. He was fearless - at times it was scary - but it was always entertaining. I loved how he jerry-rigged projects with this creative DIY mindset. They always made sense to me when I examined them. He had no need to be fancy. He often lived beyond ego. He loved the woods. He deeply valued his spirituality.
I like to think these are all qualities he helped to instill in me from a young age as well.
I liked spending time with dad - whether on his Hoover Refrigeration service calls, riding motorcycles, boating at Raystown Lake, spotting or watching deer in the evenings, and my favorite of all - morel hunting in the spring. I was often interested in the things he was interested in, and he nurtured that. He was, from my memory, usually willing to include me and teach me. He often affirmed me during those times.
When I was a young girl - I’m guessing 8 or 9 years old, I was in my dad’s home office with him. I was checking out a promotional item he had received from Mueller, which was the brand of milk coolers he sold. It was a small flathead screwdriver that was made for a keychain, and it had the Mueller logo on it. He saw that I liked it, and he gave it to me. I remember so clearly what he said to me that day - “I wouldn’t give this to just anyone.” I remember that that meant the world to me. I felt trustworthy and special and I vowed to myself that I would take utmost care for it - because this item was so special.
Of course when I grew older, I realized that it wasn’t the screwdriver that was so special, it was the way he was relating to me in that moment.
But nearly 40 years later, I still have that screwdriver and I’m happy to report that it’s in pristine condition. I’d like to think that it’s symbolic of how special my dad was to me and my desire to honor him and our relationship.
Even though our relationship changed over the years, and Dad didn’t always see eye-to-eye with my life choices, I want to believe that in my heart of hearts, I didn’t let him down.
Often after a loved one passes, I have moments of clearly feeling their presence. For days after my dad passed, I couldn’t feel him. I was already on the other side of the world, leading a group of students in Palestine, and felt so far away from home. Finally one night I said, “Dad, I can’t feel you right now and I just want to feel you. Please let me hear from you.” I went to sleep and the next morning I was startled awake by a man’s voice saying my name. I immediately thought my husband Tim was waking me up. I turned to look and there was no one there. I looked at the clock - 5:27am. That’s when I felt Dad from the other side of the veil and I could even feel his sense of humor coming through. Really Dad, you don’t have to wake up that early anymore. But I love you for it. And if you’re jerry-rigging the pearly gates, which I can only imagine you are offering to do, I’ll be holding the screwdriver for you.