I spent some of the most formative years of my childhood in a church that became a cult. As a prepubescent-to-teenager, I had a front-row seat to the play-by-play of an unstable, narcissistic, uneducated white man take control over a group of people. Within this context, I was one of many deprived of agency, critical thought, respect for my female body, healthy childhood development, a healthy relationship with my parents, and a loving God.
Even earlier in life, I was abandoned by a biological parent.
I’m also a sexual assault survivor a number of times over.
And yet…
These things do not define me, but they have formed me. They were catalysts propelling me to a place from which I am truly grateful for all I have gained - resilience, agency, compassion, love, and hope. I’m not condoning what happened to me-never. But I am living in a world I didn’t know was possible before moving through the pain.
Even when I hit rock-bottom, I knew something else was possible, even if I didn’t believe it. That’s because the inner knowing is deeper and stronger than belief.
Healing is a lifelong process. I watched as my belief systems were deconstructed, then reconstructed, then partially deconstructed, rebuilt, shifted, etc. They kept me striving, always, for what seemed to be beyond me, until I realized that the point was in the knowing - something which was always inside of me. Healing has led me to abandon beliefs to reclaiming the knowing. Be still and know…
As someone who identifies as a Christian, I would say I don’t believe in Jesus as a subscription, but rather I have been formed by him - his life, death and resurrection, even as I’ve been formed by my own suffering, loss, and healing.
Belief is helpful until it isn’t. When we idolize our beliefs, we become stuck, which is so not the point. Rather, the inner stillness, the act of being fully and imperfectly present, and the reclaiming of what is truly essential - our knowing - is the place where transformation happens. The pain and loss turn into life, as within the tomb. These depths are in each of us and they are filled with endless possibility- like the miracle of resurrection. They are our freedom.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,the world is too full to talk about.Ideas, language, even the phrase ‘each other’ doesn’t make any sense.
-Rumi
So I no longer believe in a better world, rather I choose to practice it.
A friend once said to me, “I am is the name of God. Whenever we say ‘I am’ and whatever follows is less than the magnificence of who we were created to be, that’s when we take God’s name in vain.” And it’s more than just what we say - it’s how are in the present moment. We are in a world where we bounce off of dichotomies - pain and joy, suffering and healing, good and evil. We can believe that’s all there is, or we can move to the deeper place where we see that they are part of everything calling us back home. When our boots are stuck in the mud, we can choose to be still and know. What is the home world? Love. Unconditional love that fills every space. Nothing can overcome it or overpower it. It is the fullness and fulfillment of everything our souls need. Can you feel it?
I feel it calling when I’m angry, frustrated and lost. I feel it when I’m hopeful, joyful, and living in wholeness. My journey has allowed me to know it and embrace it. It’s not something I believe in. It’s what I live. As I look back on my life, even thus far, I can see that the better world was forming me all along the way, weaving together the pain, loss, suffering, joy, healing, and reclaiming.
Yet we mustn’t mistake stillness for stagnation. This is a place that is flowing, ever-forming, filled with possibility. It’s also the place from which we speak and act, dance, pray, laugh, and create.
The day Trump was elected, I sobbed uncontrollably. I couldn’t feel my body for two weeks. I was in mourning. I knew what was coming. And unfortunately, nothing has surprised me.
And yet…
These past four years have held some of my greatest healing, and my inner knowing has never been stronger.
Do I sometimes feel anger? Yes.
Pain? Absolutely.
Fear? You bet.
I feel it all, but I choose not to become it. And if I feel myself becoming it, I practice returning home. In the space of unconditional love I am transformed. As I seek, I am being found. My life is being made by the better world over and over again. It’s calling all of us. This is our oneness. We don’t have to believe in it. We just have to be it. Here. Now. Always.
Looking for a place to start? Try this five-minute practice.